Not so much

For all my good intentions, nothing here has been realized... *disregard previous post

I've been unceremoniously fired (for lack of a better word) from a band I cared very much about. The depth of my pain and disappointment I cannot even express. The spiral downward has been lengthy and afforded. *Going into details later when I am not as completely wasted as I am now at... omg, almost 5am. (thank God for spell check)

Disillusioned, and holding a pity party of epic proportions, this is me signing out.

Fancy meeting you here!

It's like seeing an old friend again that you were not ready to see or have been otherwise avoiding... Blog, how I've... missed you? It looks like it's been almost 3 years since I've been on this site. Yes, I have been avoiding you, and without good reason... but I digress. A lot has happened since you and I last spoke, please allow me to fill you in-

I guess I'll start with the most significant change in my life- the parting of ways with my significant other. My husband of 5 years and I have parted ways with a mutual divorce. Don't get sad now, a congrats is in order for us both! Sometimes you just grow apart. From now on its onward and upward.

All that weight I had been posting about losing? Eventually lost 40 lbs... then the following year put it back on... and now most recently, I've lost almost all of it again. Then... well you know the story. For all my friends out there- the yo-yo dieter in me is still strong!!! At least I've still got that going for me.

I am also still living in Los Angeles, making music, gigging, singing in studios and loving life. And alas... still a nobody. 

So here it is.... I'll just take it day by day and try not to neglect you, and in turn will you please keep me sane by allowing me to b*tch and moan about my life in a safe cuddly place? Solid.

Today is Feb 7th. and the 1st day of my juice fast!!! I tried to start on the 1st but... well I tried. In any case I'm going for 3 weeks! Wish me luck :) Plus I got in my Runyan Canyon hike in today. Warrior Princess status!

In other news tonight I'm going to a grammy event for a band I sing background in. How is it possible that the leader started this group last year and is already getting these invites? I mean, fabulous... hey, I've had a band and been performing since what feels like the beginning of time... but what about me?? Lol... isn't that always the secret question. *What About ME!?!? Either way- I'm glad I'm going! It looks pretty fun. Plus this band I sing in is made up of all my very good friends. Talented and jiggy with it. Who am I kidding It's gonna be a blast! I'm especially juiced to see Lianne La Havas, Ed Sheeran, Leann Rimes and Dionne Warwick! 

So there it is Diary... My official comeback. #YoureWelcome ;)

Get a Job

Yes, I am a working musician. What does that mean for me exactly? Well I make a 100% living by doing music. In my case, singing. Great right? TOTALLY! Living the dream?... I'm not sure.... 

For one I sing in a 12 piece corporate event wedding band that gigs every weekend, mainly Fri-Sat-Sun for the rich rich richies. Now we receive a certain amount of respect and graciousness- such is the disposition of our clientele. But we also work for the occasional wedding of the whack job 'princess bride' and their equally demanding (and very emotional) mothers... or the holiday party for club members (who can afford to pay the equivalent of a years salary for a normal white-collar worker to even belong to the club) where an individual is so self-important (rich) that they walk up to the band screaming in a rage that they will have the us banned from performing at the club again because we only sang 2 Christmas songs. Meanwhile the rest of the guests are on the floor dancing the night away to our (very popular) 70s Funk Medley. Makes for some very harrowing weekends... not to mention a constant reminder of my 'station' in life.  


I also do alot of session work for individual songwriters who need demos, artists who need background on their albums, television and film remakes, etc. Now becoming a regular session singer is not an easy world to break into. I normally get booked by 'word of mouth'. That came about by hustling for years taking whatever low paying (or non-paying) job in whatever basement or closet studio I could find. They say it takes about 5 years to build up your reputation. It took me exactly 5 years to get into the big, very well paid studio singing profession. That takes a lot of time, patience, skill, and networking. Still the business is sporadic, completely work-for-hire, and you must negotiate with every client carefully. In the end, you are just another nameless voice drowning in the background of some multi-million dollar video game or hit film and what do you have to show for it? A couple hundred dollars in your pocket and an ever wavering dream.


Now all this sounds pretty great, pays the rent, bills, with some left over for a beer or two with the boys... but it is seasonal. Come Jan-Feb-Mar all gigs dry up and the session work is not enough to sustain my life as I know it. I will have to once again get a job... a normal everyday 9-5. This is pretty normal I guess, but for me it is like death. I have trained and worked my whole life to become a professional working musician, and this is how I want to make my living, with my voice. I have spent thousands of dollars on a music institute and private lessons to be the greatest I can be, and in this business, a degree is  just not enough to guarantee a career. The hustle to survive in Hollywood begins again....  

As of now I am enrolled in the National Bartenders School. Hopefully I will learn the skills it takes to pour a drink for the rest of the working class people of Los Angeles and make some good cash. At least something to get me through these next 3 months.... so that I can start living the dream... again.  :) Wish me luck!

TRIUMPH!

Boy... what a workout! What a way to kick-start the morning!

For those of you who don't know I am doing a 2 month infomercial for the 'Total Flex' workout machine. What that entails: Mon-Fri class workouts in Hollywood with personal trainer (to the stars!) Steve Maresca from 6:15am-7:15am. (at the butt crack of dawn!) Not only do we workout in the morning, but we are given 'homework' for the rest of the day and the weekends, getting to the gym for another hour of cardio and some type of lifting, sprints, etc. That's not all! All the while we all follow a strict nutritional diet high in protein, low in fat. At the end of every week we weigh in and take measurements. Today marks the tail end of our 5TH WEEK! YES!!!


This whole process has changed (and is still changing!) my life in a big big way. Yes, I cannot believe how my way of thinking, my overall view of my life choices, and the way I feel about myself and what I can achieve has transformed. At the beginning of this thing, it's hard to explain, but I felt like it was something I had just signed up for... something I had challenged myself to do. Of course I was excited, and I know I needed it, (to be fit) but I didn't realize then just how huge this opportunity was... and how It would not only reshape my body, but my entire being.


Now, the workouts are done class style. I have been spending every morning for over a month with these other individuals just like me. People who 'had a few pounds to lose'. Every day we show up, sweat, push ourselves and encourage eachother. Over time, we have become eachother's support and inspiration! Every morning I see how hard my friends around me are working, I hear how they have overcome the obstacles of daily life to make sure that they fit the 'homework' into their busy schedule, I hear how they went out with friends and opted for the salad when everyone else at their table was having burgers and fries, I hear how they made some bad choices but turned it around and got back on the wagon... HOW AMAZING!  WHAT MOTIVATION! It is impossible to be in this situation and not have it effect you straight to the core. It is THEM who inspire me to be the best I can be, and that is pretty exceptional!


Today I had a breakthrough... It was a remarkably tough workout. I was pouring sweat, out of breath, dizzy, and my body was screaming to stop. We were doing two sets of jumping jacks, step-ups, squats and step-up lunges at 25 repetitions ea. with 3 flights of stairs as a chaser. As I was just beginning my step-up lunges I realized that most everyone had already completely finished, and I was struggling... really struggling. I was gasping for air, my body was starting to go numb, my muscles were burning and I really really wanted to give up. This was the moment that the most amazing thing happened... The class started to cheer me on. (Even now just writing this my eyes are filling with tears) "Go Vanessa! You can do it! Keep going!" One of my classmates seeing that I had lost my ability to even keep my balance on the step-ups came around and held my hands. I was so touched, it hit me like a brick. I became filled with emotion and started to cry, all the while picking up the pace and pushing my legs to keep going, keep moving, don't stop, finish strong! When I finished I collapsed on the machine to cheers and hugs and a triumphant bottle of water poured over my head.


I realized that this experience is so much more than just me... its everyone. It's not all about our personal victories but the victories of the whole! There is a quote that has never rung so true to me until this moment: 

“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same”

Nelson Mandela

My classmates had pushed themselves to the brink to finish, and in turn, filled me with the strength and motivation to do the same. I will never forget how I felt this morning. I will keep the memory with me forever and play it in my mind whenever I feel like giving up. This class has given me one of the greatest gifts and life lessons of all time. For that I will be forever thankful!!!


While walking to the car, the man who had held my hands reminded me that I still had 3 flights of stairs left to totally complete the workout. I was so energized and said, I'm gonna do this! As everyone else was driving away I had the last little victory to myself. TRIUMPH! I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Taking a YOUturn

Yesterday was Independence Day. I had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows... allow me to explain.


The 4th of July is a memorable day for my husband and I, we always make it a point to do something special and see a fireworks show. (fireworks make me crazy happy emotional- but that's another story!) Well that's exactly what we did! We ended up at a gorgeous little restaurant for drinks, then off to the Woodland hills park. It was the highest of highs! Spending time with him when we have so little time to begin with is a dream!


Now... you may ask, "So what the hell went wrong?" Well, as I keep mentioning, I am in a group class for the Total Flex workout machine. We are each other's support group for being healthy and losing weight. It's pretty much become my main focus, and my life! Yesterday I was at the lowest weight since I started the class! So proud of myself! A little overly confident though... with all the food vendors, and the smells of the sugary, greasy goodness... I found myself a whole pack of butter toffee peanuts, All beef hot dog with all the fixins, and a tri-tip sandwich smothered in bbq sauce heavier. 

NO!!!! WHYYYYYY!!! My self-control is ridiculously low, I cannot believe I threw all that work away. Worst thing is weigh-in is Tuesday... The guilt I feel is just terrible, not only did I let myself down, I feel like I personally let everyone else down. Of course that is not the case, but that's the way it feels.


Today I am going to meet with my new found friend Amy and we are going to go hiking at Runyan Canyon. When I told her about yesterday she said... and I quote... "hey you can make a YOUturn, we'll turn this around today! :) " Jeeze I love her! I can turn this around! And that's exactly what I intend to do!

Date night

I'm home, thinking of nothing but sweet sweet sleep, but something just keeps pulling me to the laptop. I know that I decided that I'm not going to force myself to blog everyday, and I assure you, I'm not... but I'm starting to crave it. I honestly don't feel like writing right now. I'm tired! I just need a place to let out all the steam I always have swirling around in my head, and by God I think I've found it.

Here's the rundown... Woke up at 430am for my ritual total flex workout with trainer Steve Maresca in Hollywood, sweat about a bucket, then went straight to the gym in Sherman Oaks to sweat another. Afterwards home to cram, learning 2 songs in a different language for a noon audition in Pasadena, then home to grab rent, run it over to the office in West Hollywood. You think it ends there? Think again! A visit to Hollywood & Highland Mall, dinner, cocktails, and watching 'Eclipse' in Woodland Hills with the hubby. An all around enjoyable day, but exhausting!

My husband and I have completely opposite schedules so we rarely see each other unless we're saying goodbye :(. The good thing is he has a set schedule with Thursdays and Fridays off work. Thursdays and Fridays have become our 'date nights'!  As busy as I am I really try to make sure I don't book anything those days if I can help it so that we can spend it together. We did have a leisurely stroll down the walk of fame, snapping a photo of the famous Graumen's Chinese Theater. Then dinner which consisted of a shared salad and cocktails (straight up vodka martinis for me! Minimal calories.) Then, believe it or not, he practically DRAGGED me to see the new Twilight film 'Eclipse' ;) Or maybe it was the other way around? Who really remembers with such a great buzz goin! (I can't drink like I used to.)

Now? Cuddling in front of the t.v. with all fruit sugar free popsicles. Isn't married life grand! :)  To bad the craziness starts all over again tomorrow. Well... Thanks for the great night hun! Same time next week??? - It's a date!

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

 I booked two jobs for today. 

1. An infomercial selling a mint that is supposed to stop smoking cravings
2. Working as an extra on a music video shoot for 'Dynamite' with Taio Cruz and Jennifer Lopez. 

Great right?.... Sooooo not. I had to make a decision quick. The infomercial was maybe a 5 hour shoot for $150 and 3 days later a 4 hour shoot for $75. The music video was an 'all day shoot' (meaning maybe 10-12 hours) for $150. The better choice was obviously the infomercial. Now, me being a musician I wanted to see a real professional music video shoot, guess which one I chose. BAD IDEA! 

I am currently doing a 2 month infomercial shoot for a workout machine called the 'Total Flex'. I wake up every morning 5 days a week at 430am and at 6am train for an hour with a personal trainer. Kind of like a low budget 'The Biggest Loser'. Well the call time for the music video shoot conflicted with my workout so I had to miss it. You are only allowed to miss 3 days in the whole 2 months and this was my third and final day to miss. I just threw away my 1 day pillow for error.

Now this is my very first experience being a Hollywood extra. I get to the shoot and we are put through wardrobe, hair, make-up... and then? I sat around for 10 HOURS IN THE BLAZING HEAT! Now it is about 6pm. The lunch was late, we're all sweating in a tent, being herded like cattle... I quickly realized that if a music video shoot had a caste system, extras are the untouchables. 

The director then tells everyone that the shoot will go to midnight and that there will be no overtime pay, stay till midnight or no check. Period. I asked some of the other extras if this is the norm with video shoots. They said that it was alot of waiting around but one veteran extra told me that out of about 30 that she's done, this shoot was by far the worst. Knowing that I have to wake up at 430 the next morning, and that I have a band audition at noon the next day, I just couldn't do it. I'm not a machine! 

I told one of the producers that respectfully I just cannot stay, and left. I felt really bad about it, but was more upset that I had wasted a good chunk of my life. Either way, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! I came back to a clean apartment, a happy husband, a glass of wine and a hot dinner. Why be an extra in Hollywood when I can be a leading lady at home? :)